|My hands after working all day in the wood shop.|
It was another 12 hour day at school today for Steele and I. He’s been teaching me how to use all the tools in the wood shop for the internship we’re doing and we’ve spent the past few days building a pinhole camera that will form the top of a letter A. There are some cuts that are too close & scary for me to do, and Steele helps me, but for the most part I can do it all with supervision now. Seeing something come to life from little sketches is an amazing feeling, especially when you’re the one who built it. There is a camera that exists now where there wasn’t before.
I think somewhere along the line I got it into my head that I couldn’t do anything. I don’t know where this idea, this certainty, came from, but it’s tainted me in little ways that have lasted. I’ve been thinking about writing this post for the past few days… thinking about writing the sentence, “Of course, I know there are some things I literally cannot do. I can’t pee standing up.” Then my mind supplied “Yes you could!” And provided me with the image of myself trying to pee standing up. I think I really could do it.
It’s this attitude that I’ve been noticing in myself lately. That I don’t think I can do things. I don’t believe in myself. I’m sure other people have noticed this too, and for far longer than I have. It’s what I might like to call realistic, but that’s just making it sound nice. It’s holding me down. I need to believe in myself and have optimism. To say “I can do that!” and find a way to make it happen. To jump into things instead of standing on the edge of the cliff with the toes of my boots barely over the air.
I know what it is. I know that it’s the fear of falling on my face. Of failing. Of not reaching the finish line. I don’t know where these fears come from. I don’t remember being told as a kid that I could do anything. But I don’t remember being told I couldn’t. And I don’t have a very good memory either way. The point is, the important thing is, I’m here now and the only way is forward and through.
I have to make the choice to believe in myself. To believe that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to. And be anyone I want to be.