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Month: April, 2012

But right now

I am alone.


My little heart

With every passing day of finals, I feel like I’m clutching my hands to my chest and holding all my words inside. There are so many good things happening in my life, so many things, a few bad things, and they are all quiet here. I must make it through this day, tomorrow, the next day, the next minute. After. After. Afterwards, I can rest my hands on the keyboard, hesitate for a second, and then let it all come tumbling out.

I have tried a few times to make a list of things happening in my life but every time I do it feels wrong, and the last thing I want this place to feel is wrong. I have a lot of thoughts. Maybe lately I have had a lot of people. And when I have a lot of people my thoughts get heard by real ears and not the virtual ears of my blog, with it’s 26 followers and 0 comments. I have been spending more time with good people and that, right now, is the warmest part of my little heart.

February in Arcata

Color 35mm film. 
From when I visited Crrr in Arcata in February. 
I have preformed time travel once again. 

Good Things (Video Stills)

So today, I was feeling pretty cranky. I put my Mamiya on a stool with my small handheld video camera pointing into the viewfinder, and aimed it at a chalkboard in the Drawing room. And I hid record, and walked over and stood there and thought about what to write. I had this whole board, this empty room, a camera. 
But instead of writing something angry, something frustrated, I decided to write this list. Good Things. So now I can step back a few paces and see that my day wasn’t crappy. It was full of tiny little things. And I choose to remember the tiny good things. 

A note on Phone Things

On my desktop, there is a folder titled “Phone Things”


(shot with photo booth, to remember)

This folder has been growing larger and larger. I have been using my cell phone, which is something like 4 mp, to capture things. I have been using Steele’s iPhone, which is more like 8 mp, to capture things. I have been using photo booth. 

(Shot with my samsung phone, in Florida. Missing Steele and motion)

There is a tension in my stomach right now, to write this post the right way and get it out there in the way it is in my head. Not to screw it up. To adequately justify why I have been using my webcam instead of my Nikon. Maybe it is to justify it to you, maybe it is to justify it to myself. Maybe I just feel a tension because I’m on the edge. On the edge of something and I want to fall down the right ledge, land on the right canyon bottom. 

There are a lot of reasons why I have been using this media. Some of them are shallow. Some of them are “Because everyone else is using it.” Some of them are “Because it’s easy.” 

But under that I think, there is some truth to it. There is some sort of joy in the immediacy. Some wonder in seeing something instantly be captured. A moving mirror. The truth is that this technology is just like any other photographic technology. There are people taking good photos with it, people taking bad photos with it. I’d like to think I’m part of the former. 

The thing I like most about it is that it’s there, waiting, and if I have a creative whim I don’t have to pull out my trip pod and adjust my settings. Last night I pulled off my shirt and stood up and found that there was the impression of my jeans on my stomach. I wanted to keep that. So I opened up photo booth almost without thinking about it, and there it was. Then I sat down and put on the mirror function and that instant mirror makes it so easy to work things out. This way, not that. A little closer. Oh, how accidental, how imperfect, how strange. 

(Shot with photo booth, a small series titled Home and I think the beginning of my current work.)

My ideas don’t die. They are pushed forward and forward and so far forward that when I close the computer I have to stop and process and say, say: What did I just learn about myself? Because it was something. Now the way forward is clear. The way forward is to find what I learned and take that and apply it. 

Maybe this is just a way of sketching. Maybe these do become final images, scratchy and perfect with their low quality and pixelation and realness. 

 (Shot with Steele’s iPhone using instagram, this is Ali, and one of my favorite portraits. It is 100% Ali, and perfect in every way)

Like a shell

We have really good imaginations. We just fancied ourselves important somehow, but we’re actually speaking gibberish. No one understands us. We don’t understand us. We destroy us.

We, unsuspecting.

Because I am simply too excited (or: I am eleven again)

Just one of the images shot at Harry Potter World. 🙂 There will be a full post, but I was too excited about this one and wanted to share it.