by brittanychavez

New Years Resolutions 2012

1. Be more ballsy
2. Don’t be a pussy in my own life
3. Continue/Start and be committed to new photo projects
4. Vote knowledgeably
5. Start a jar full of scraps of writing, that are not to be looked at for a year. (This idea was inspired by by pen-pal Stephanie.)

A friend and fellow blogger Mark Espe and I were talking about this blog and he mentioned how honest it is, that sometimes I seem to be so strong and sometimes I am full of doubt. This is true. How honest I am, I’m not sure, sometimes I feel painfully aware who can read this blog, and sometimes I feel like I am posting this to no one, to myself, to document. (And sometimes this is a good thing, full of necessary blindness, and sometimes it is a lonely thing.) Life, me, this small small blog, these tiny words, we are all full of such variables.

At times the pockets of doubt I hold seem so heavy, so overpowering, that to carry them any longer seems impossible and I convince myself that it would be easier to lay down and sleep. Or I look back and I am so sharply aware that I haven’t been doing anything real or scary because I have been so filled with doubt. Why do I put myself in these cages?

My first two resolutions are stemming from this… from these bits of doubt that weigh me down. I am twenty, so young, and I am so easy to dismiss myself. I wish to be blindly optimistic. But that is not the case, and so I will force myself to do things even if I feel like no one is looking, that no one cares, that I should hide myself for a little longer.

This includes a few of things I have put off: building a website, starting a Facebook page. (Even posting this, I feel like cringing, for who am I to start a Facebook page for my photography. It sounds ridiculous.)

There are many small goals I have. A few projects I want to start, that I will start, no doubt this time. Spending more time on Flickr. Not letting myself feel too small. Posting more blogs. Reading books. Editing videos that I’ve been shooting for the past six months. Not allowing myself to go crazy from school-stress. Being alive and feeling alive.