brittanyvchavez

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Month: January, 2012

Today was a very nice day,

and I don’t have any photographs from it. So here are some photographs I didn’t take:

Ruth carving a woodblock by the window with a warm blanket on her lap and sippers on her feet.

Boxes and boxes of apples at the farmers market. (And my choices in my hands, a honey crisp, an ambrosia, and a winesap)

Warm Molly at the table with a crumby plate.

My room midday with the curtain pulled open. (It’s strange how coming home in the middle of the day, a time when you normally wouldn’t be there, is so striking.)

Matthew walking across the parking lot with the sun at his back.

Brambles and trees with ivy and my little man-cleared meadow, from atop a pile of rocks.

The sun catching a branch hung with moss.

Kai and Alexa standing in the light-filled library.

The wide sky with paper thin clouds spread on it.

____

A story I wrote, about a memory from years ago.

When I was still living with my parents, I had the most wonderful space heater. My mom still has it, actually. It’s the kind where two bars get red-hot behind a grate, no hot air, just those bars. It was brown. It is brown.

Here’s a story:

My ribs are aching, with pain, the middle of the night. What has happened? I am in my bed holding my side, curled up, overwhelmed with pain, and I must fall asleep. I wake up with my ribs stinging and clouds in my head. What has happened to my body? I have a wisp of a memory of crouching up out of bed and falling on my heater, bruising myself. I was overtaken with something, an urge to move, and I fell. I fell and now something tender is blooming under my ribcage. And I am aching with pain.

(*unrelated photo, empty spaces)

In which I become nonsensical

Hey, I could make a post of things that I have been doing and it would make it sound like my life is moving along and I could, yes, do that. Yes. But I won’t because all week I’ve been… teetering, or something, and now I find that I’m in the valley. In a great big scoop and it was so gradual that all it took was sitting at a desk for 6 hours to know that somewhere along the week I had started walking on a decline and now here I am, the bottom of the scoop.

Well here’s the thing about scoops.

About scoops of land, and emotional states, that is.

They can be flat for a while. They might even get deeper. (This might even get deeper.)

Or they can be flat for a while and then go up, and they go up so gradually (because they’re scoops) that you don’t even notice and then all the sudden you’re at the top, looking down at that gigantic hill you just climbed. So, what I’m saying, is that it will most likely only get slightly lower after this moment.

Why is it raining for 10 days straight? Did you know, that there is 100% chance of rain tomorrow? Yes there is. Also, the sky will be grey. 100%

Good things

Sometimes, I write lists of Good things.

Good things (January 18, 2011)

Waking up on time
Ideas
Motivation
Cheese
Contact (the internet)
Smiles
Fruit
Being Independent

__________________________________________

Good things (January 18, 2012)

Snow, wet snow
Laughter (Steele fake-snoring)
Tea
Coco puffs
Atika
Beeswax smell
Being okay
Being okay (it is really good)
Letters (thoughts)
Beserker
Sex, or two bodies touching
Reading

They are usually longer now, as I don’t write them as much anymore. I used to write them everyday. I keep them hung up (clipped together) by my bed. There’s getting to be a rather large stack now, it’s been a year. These… make me happy. I do not do them for a project. Or even for documentation. I started them to remind me of the little good things in my day. They are special and I have always hesitated really writing about them because I don’t want them to ever ever be for anything but to be good.

Nevertheless, I do want to do something larger with them one day. I don’t know what. Until then, I will keep thinking of good things.

DIA

Denver International Airport.
Instagrams, from travel day.

New Years Eve, pt. ii

This part was spent with Crrr. Being here, in Denver, this city that isn’t really mine, and a home that I don’t quite fit into, feels heavy. I am homesick for Portland. For being by myself and being myself and being in charge of my own life. When I am here I feel stuck, literally, and otherwise. I feel at times, in Portland, I am very aware that I’m creating my own life and choosing who I am and who I surround myself with. (And at times this collapses all around me.) But I don’t feel that here.

But, being with Crrr is light and will always be light. So there is never anything dark in that. And if it is heavy, it’s only in the way that a very comforting weight has rested on you, that you feel safe.

Preface

New Years Resolutions 2012

1. Be more ballsy
2. Don’t be a pussy in my own life
3. Continue/Start and be committed to new photo projects
4. Vote knowledgeably
5. Start a jar full of scraps of writing, that are not to be looked at for a year. (This idea was inspired by by pen-pal Stephanie.)

A friend and fellow blogger Mark Espe and I were talking about this blog and he mentioned how honest it is, that sometimes I seem to be so strong and sometimes I am full of doubt. This is true. How honest I am, I’m not sure, sometimes I feel painfully aware who can read this blog, and sometimes I feel like I am posting this to no one, to myself, to document. (And sometimes this is a good thing, full of necessary blindness, and sometimes it is a lonely thing.) Life, me, this small small blog, these tiny words, we are all full of such variables.

At times the pockets of doubt I hold seem so heavy, so overpowering, that to carry them any longer seems impossible and I convince myself that it would be easier to lay down and sleep. Or I look back and I am so sharply aware that I haven’t been doing anything real or scary because I have been so filled with doubt. Why do I put myself in these cages?

My first two resolutions are stemming from this… from these bits of doubt that weigh me down. I am twenty, so young, and I am so easy to dismiss myself. I wish to be blindly optimistic. But that is not the case, and so I will force myself to do things even if I feel like no one is looking, that no one cares, that I should hide myself for a little longer.

This includes a few of things I have put off: building a website, starting a Facebook page. (Even posting this, I feel like cringing, for who am I to start a Facebook page for my photography. It sounds ridiculous.)

There are many small goals I have. A few projects I want to start, that I will start, no doubt this time. Spending more time on Flickr. Not letting myself feel too small. Posting more blogs. Reading books. Editing videos that I’ve been shooting for the past six months. Not allowing myself to go crazy from school-stress. Being alive and feeling alive.

New Years Eve, pt. ii