I am here. Alive and doing projects and things and trying to be a better person with a happier and cleaner life. And failing, sometimes, and convincing myself that these failures aren’t failures, just little steps in the right directions. (Which they are, maybe.)
I went to an artist lecture today, Storm Tharp, and it was so good. He spoke so honestly about success not necessarily making you feel 100% good. That you are suddenly filled with doubts and worries and they don’t go away and you can never get back to an easy place. I haven’t been graced with any great success, yet. But I do notice that whenever I reach some level I’ve wanted to reach, my standards suddenly go up and I’m back thinking I’m not good enough or I’m not deep enough, I’m not talented enough.
It was nice to hear an artist talk about that for once, instead of just showing slides of work and talking about the formal elements. I really felt like I got to know a tiny bit of him by the end of that, and even if it was fleeting or manufactured, it definitely influenced me.
I’ve done nothing but let people down my entire life, and the same thing has happened with you. Not once, but twice. I have done nothing but make your life miserable and turn your entire world upside down and on its head. I have not only failed myself, my beliefs, my morals, and everything that I truly stand for inside, I have failed you. I’ve taken something from you that you will never be able to get back for the second time now. I have pulled the rug out from underneath your feet and set your heart on fire, given you hope in a something that seemed so strong, and shattered it. All I have to say for myself is that I am the pit of the worst people on the planet. I’ve ruined something with a person who meant so much to me. I’ve lost one more person that I would take a bullet for and I don’t know how to stop. I’m an animal, and I have nowhere to go but up.
I don’t want to forget it.
Mamiya C330 with Kodak Portra 400
The assignment was White. Lance was a green stuffed alligator Steele made for me 2 years ago. I sleep with him every night and since his creation have derived great comfort from him. How would my experience with this object change if I were to remove the color?
I made a new Lance, a white Lance (Lance W.) and this is the result.