Forming good relationships is so hard and scary.
There. I said it. This has been on my mind for the past few weeks. It’s something I’ve struggled with for my whole life. I’m just not very good at making friends. I don’t approach people very often, and once I had made a friend or an acquaintance I find it really difficult to deepen and strengthen the relationship, even just to the sort of level where we could hang out outside of school or alone.
I’m constantly worrying that I’m not good enough, that people don’t like me, or don’t truly want to be around me. I don’t know if these feelings are normal… I’ve grown up thinking that they were but perhaps not. We always think our realities are the right ones. It just makes it hard to form friendships. If I feel hurt by a friendship I’m always wondering if I even have that right, that maybe that person doesn’t think of me or consider me a big part of their life. That if I ask someone to hang out they’ll think I’m weird. I spent all of high school with only one or two friends. I know that’s more than some people and that I’m lucky to have friends in my life… Once I have formed a good friendship I’m pretty loyal. (Though I also have pretty high standards of how I’m treated in a friendship which has caused me to let go of quite a few of them.) It’s the new ones I have trouble with.
I’m young, I know that, and I know this takes time and that I will learn and get better at this as I grow older. But I am in an environment with older people already, the peers I’m surrounded with are in their twenties or older, and they’ve gotten the hang of this. I’m constantly comparing myself to them. To a point it’s unavoidable and it’s not as bad as this dramatic blog makes it out to be, but it’s there. I can’t help but compare myself to these little groups of friends and wonder what I’m doing wrong and why I don’t have that. There are reasons, there are ways to explain this. I like to be alone, I do. I don’t do much to put myself out there. I can’t bitch and complain about this too much. I have Steele, which also limits the amount of time I spend with other people, and I spend time on my work, and I can’t go out and drink with all these older acquaintances of mine. But I can’t shake the feeling that I’m just doing something wrong.