Today I turned nineteen.
The last few months we were in Oregon, I started feeling uncertain about the future, but mostly about my relationship with Steele. Growing up my mom always drilled it into my head that I shouldn’t settle down early, and I’ve always thought that I would have a long romantic history before I met ‘the one.’ So I started questioning my relationship. Should I really be this serious with someone so early? Should I go out and experience other things? But I also started worrying. Not about his feelings, but about mine. I worried that I wasn’t truly in love with him. I worried that I would fall out of love and want to break up with him. I worried that I wouldn’t be strong enough to break up with him. I was almost constantly thinking that there was no way we would last, that logically we were going to break up. I… hurt him. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I hurt him quite a lot. I couldn’t hide these things from him, and so I talked about it. When I started talking about a break, he went along with it, because he thought it was what I needed. He made a mistake, because he wasn’t honest with me. I didn’t know how much I was hurting him, and I really did think the break was mutual. But it wasn’t.
So, here’s where the break failed. When we didn’t talk for three weeks, we ended up taking the break in different directions. I took it as a chance to figure out my feelings, decide if I wanted to be with him, and figure out why I was worrying so much. But he took it as a break up. He got involved with two different people. Part of the break was that we would be allowed to see other people, but no sex. I thought that if either of us saw anyone, that it would be purely casual and physical. When we started talking again, after the three weeks, I told him that I knew I wanted to be with him and that I had figured my stuff out. Which I had, and I did. But he was involved with someone, and he didn’t miss me. It was painful, very painful. I felt like I was being broken up with. I didn’t really know what to do with myself. I stopped eating, I spent all my time in Crrr’s bed. We started talking again, and saw each other as friends, but it was strained and hard for me. I missed him, and he didn’t miss me.
He broke up with her, but things were still fucked up between us. I didn’t anticipate the way any of it would make me feel. I didn’t think that a relationship with someone else would bother me so much. He broke the rules and slept with her, which has caused me a lot more pain than I care to admit. It has made me feel so many things. Mostly though, I started to question his feelings. I felt unloved. I didn’t feel special. Half the time I felt like he didn’t want to be with me, that I’m too much work. Logically, I know that he broke up with her to be with me. But I’d lost my trust in him, so I ended up questioning everything.
The girl he had started seeing was someone who I considered to be one of my best friends and so that hurt doubly bad. It sucks to know that our friendship really meant so little to her. Throughout all of this, she hasn’t done anything to contact me, to apologize, or explain, or anything. That almost hurts more than her being with Steele. It’s awful knowing that I really meant so little to her and was so easy to cast aside.
So. It’s been a month since he broke up with her, and over two months since the initial break. Steele and I are back together. Things have definitely not been easy, this has been so much harder than I expected, but I know that it’s worth it. I love him, and he loves me. I have faith in us, I believe we can make it. I’ve made many mistakes this summer. I’ve just turned nineteen, but I’m really still a child sometimes. But I’m a child who’s growing up. I can feel the growing up in my bones. This was a summer of such change and such tests, but I feel I’ve passed them. I’m not saying I’m perfect or that I have all the answers, or that I’ll always make the right choices, or that I’ll never act childish again. I will. But mostly I will do my best to muster the strength to face my challenges head on, starting with leaving all of this pain in my past. I will not let this pain define me.