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Month: June, 2010

The wedding photograph, a late realization

I have a framed photograph of my parents from their wedding reception sitting on my dresser. I just recently pulled it out of a box of packed things.

Before Steele, it used to sit on my dresser to remind me that things change. quite obviously since my parents have been divorced since I was in fourth grade. I wanted to remind myself not to get involved with someone unless I knew it was going to work out. In a way, I scared myself off of relationships. Then I agreed to date Steele. I didn’t think it would last, and I was wrong. But I still had that fear, things change. I let myself fall in love, start a strong relationship, but I was still so afraid of the future, of making commitments.

Steele and I are going through a rough patch right now, and I honestly don’t know if we’ll be able to work it out. We’re on a break for the summer, and when I was looking through old things, I found the wedding photograph. Only this time when I look at it I don’t see the chance of change, of failure.

I know it might sound weird but I’m comforted by the fact that divorce is an option. And not just divorce, but breaking up as well. I was so worried about getting trapped in a stale relationship that I didn’t realize the obvious: you can always get out if you want to. There’s really no reason NOT to take a chance with someone you love. Because there’s always the option to get out of it. That sounds horrible maybe, but it’s true. And so finally, I’m actually ready to live in the present. To just focus on my love right now. I’m not afraid of the future I could have with Steele. In fact, I’m not really thinking about it at all. I’m focusing on loving him in this moment.


The orthodontist

In 2007 I got my braces taken off. I was made a retainer which I was instructed to wear every night. Of course after a few months I had stopped wearing it completely. Now it’s been three years and my old retainers don’t fit anymore. In order to avoid the impending doom of wisdom teeth I had to go back to get fitted for new ones. So, off I drove to the orthodontist.

Sitting in that car, in that office, was a very weird experience. My life has changed so much since I was fifteen, it’s hard to think about. If I had told my younger self that after high school I would be going to art school in Oregon, and dating Steele Walston… I’d have been very surprised. Thinking about it now, my life now would seem incredibly “awesomeee” even though to the me right now it just seems ordinary. It’s an odd thought. I suppose my present will always seem ordinary.